Fear of Aggression
March 10, 2010 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
When I felt trapped and stuck in a life direction that I didn’t want and believed I had no other choice but to be in, I often dreamed of the Incredible Hulk smashing his way out of a cement box.
That dream was a gift because it gave me a visualization and metaphor that I used when I found myself in situations and circumstances that I couldn’t stand but couldn’t find my way out of. I got pretty good at smashing my way out of bad relationships, jobs, partnerships, crises etc. But the problem was that another would always pop right up to take its place.
So I tried other things like fighting harder for control over people and things in my life, setting more boundaries, screaming at the top of my lungs in my car, punching the pillows, plotting revenge and trying mostly unhealthy means of escape and distraction. But unlike Einstein’s, my universe remained an unfriendly place and I got tired.
Eventually I realized that my Incredible Hulk dream was showing me how to break out of the cement box of my own resistance and ego. The people and things trying to do me in and hold me back did not exist “out there” but in me.
Much later still, I learned to discern the difference between natural aggression and the typical way we think about it which is some form of “aggression is bad”. Natural aggression is absolutely fundamental to life: birth, love, creativity, art and change. I really got that at a gut-feeling, non-intellectual level when a read a passage from Florence Scovel Shinn about an impromptu pre-dawn visit with a friend to the Prospect Park Zoo:
A faint pink streak appeared in the East, then suddenly we heard a most tremendous uproar. We were near the Zoo and all the animals were greeting the dawn.
The lions and tigers roared, the hyenas laughed, there were shrieks and howls, every animal had something to say for a new day was at hand.
It was indeed most inspiring. The light slanted through the trees; everything had an unearthly aspect.
Then, as it grew lighter, our shadows were in front instead of behind us. The dawn of a new day!
Our shadows are in front of us now. An extremely powerful emotion is arising, individual and collective. Its natural aggression that Seth Roberts described as:
“the creative loving thrust forward, the way in which love is activated, the fuel through whose agency love propels itself.”
Denying natural aggression distorts it and turns it against ourselves. Everywhere we see the evidence that shows up as scarcity mentality, ultra-competitiveness, greed, excessive consumption, obsession with others’ transgressions and even violence and abuse.
I see and hear firsthand how hard it is for people to not attempt to escape and avoid these intensely powerful feelings despite their equally intense desire for a greater self and bigger game.
Because here’s the thing: these wild feelings are valuable pointers to the unrealized wild power within us. Now is the time to bust through the concrete walls that trap and distort it. Like I told someone earlier today: you’re going to bust-out anyway so why not roar, laugh and howl for your new dawn now and save yourself a lot of head-banging.
The Enlightened Idea Wiki
February 21, 2010 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
We had an interesting and provocative discussion this week at Samadhi about the intersection of the evolution of media and the evolution of consciousness. It also turned out to be one of those times, when out of the blue and unexpectedly I got what I describe as “jacked up by the Field”.
I’ve found that philosophical discussions and meetups requiring rigor, have huge benefits for professionals and content creators in the change business, including:
- Linking and integrating ideas, solutions and content that seemed mutually exclusive.
- Bringing unconscious beliefs contradicting ideas, solutions and content, into awareness.
As I developed the post, the “enlightened idea wiki” came up and I think it has a lot of potential as a both a practice and content structure and model.
This is how it evolved. I’d recently spent a lot of time developing a presentation about models for professional service providers and content creators. The focus of the presentation is: The Credit. So when I read this NYT article, Author, 17, Says It’s ‘Mixing,’ Not Plagiarism, it brought up a good deal of righteous indignation that I was happy to share with others in my social communities who felt the same way, especially about her specific quote:
“There’s no such thing as originality anyway, just authenticity,” – Helene Hegemann
It felt so good and so right to rip into this with so many people who agreed with me.
Flash forward to the meetup. The discussion was preceded with a meditation and then a reading of an EnlightenNext Magazine column, Awakening to the blob, inspired by Mediated, Thomas de Zengotita. A quote from the book via the reading:
In a mediated world, the opposite of real isn’t phony or illusional or fictional—it’s optional. Idiomatically, we recognize this when we say, “the reality is…” meaning something that has to be dealt with, something that isn’t an option. We are most free of mediation, we are most real, when we are at the disposal of accident and necessity. That’s when we are not being addressed.
My unexpected lesson from the Field was hearing this young, intelligent writer’s honest expression of her vantage point with respect to de Zengotita’s work.
I discovered that terms and concepts actually exist to describe the experience of growing up in the postmodern era. I discovered that we are living in a mediated world, and I am a mediated girl.
Suddenly my righteous indignation about the 17 year old “mixing not plagiarizing” author seemed out of whack from the vantage point of my greater self who “meets” people where they are and without judgment. I realized that How Dare You! was my ego’s voice, justifying my resistance to a vantage point that threatened mine. That was an important shift.
A wiki post is a lot of work but I recommend creating one, maybe once a quarter. Here’s why. Like a great visual it takes a lot of seemingly disconnected, linear, small things and gives them form and expression in a way that adds dimension and artistic expression to your ideas, solutions and content.
Isn’t that a better use of your time than a quarterly plan?
Let Me Interrupt
February 20, 2010 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
Someone asked me the other night what kind of coaching I do and without thinking I responded: paradoxical.
Most clients I work with want my help marketing their ideas, solutions and content. They’re very receptive to my approach:
- create your “one of a kind” point of power at the edges or intersections – markets, industries, areas of interest or expertise etc.
- discover your voice and develop your stories around that point of power
- give and don’t hold back
And then they get scared and overwhelmed and go back to their old ways which stopped working long ago: email blasts, snail-mail announcements, hiring the magical business development manager, handing out cards at networking meetings etc. They give themselves over to the habitual impulse to interrupt instead of giving themselves over to their story.
When the old methods fail I suggest examining and clearing, with my facilitation, the assumptions and expectations blocking change. And that’s when the paradox kicks in. Because this is what they believe the process should be: telling me their stories! How they got where they are. Why they do what they do. The history, the details and most of all – the reasons.
They claim to be very receptive to my simple approach: unconditional permission to allow me to interrupt if I start to get more information and story than I need to know in order to facilitate an identity shift. Then I interrupt 5 times in 10 minutes and its “Call in the Marines”.
If it weren’t for paradox it would be easy, right?
Think about it this way:
Story is your ideas, solutions, and brand in form – the content.
Identity is your beliefs, assumptions and expectations “minus” the content (story, knowledge, thinking, form).
How Dare You!
February 19, 2010 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
There’s an infinite amount of things about which to be righteously indignant. The ego loves it when you respond this way and rewards you with a jolt of satisfaction in the form of superiority and anxiety relief. Both are very temporary and you want the next hit which is only a mouse-click, channel-change, phone call, mail delivery, argument or interaction away.
Righteous indignation is a massive time-suck and a creativity killing monster. There’s a lot of advice about how to break the habit. But like diet advice and most resolutions, they’re failure methods because they don’t address the underlying intention: resistance.
I prefer this. When you feel yourself getting hooked have a talk with yourself and write it down, by hand on paper.
Ask yourself, how dare I:
- not give form to my ideas, solutions and content that create a positive experience and energy that spreads
- not reach out to somebody who needs my support and understanding
- not still my mind to allow the creative insight and inspiration that is my birthright to come through me
- not trust that there’s evolution happening and its my choice to be aligned with (leadership) or against it
These are suggestions; you get the idea.
When you hold up a mirror and employ a proprioceptive technique you’re much more likely to dislodge the resistance that shows up as the habit of righteous indignation.
I dare you!
Artist credit:
How Dare You
Sankam via deviantArt
Have Hierarchy Issues?
January 22, 2010 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
I took part in an meditation/meetup last night with the Boston Integral Commons (Ken Wilber group) that included an interesting reading of a dialogue between Andrew Cohen & Ken Wilber: Creative Friction – Community and the Utopian Impulse in a Post-postmodern World.
A lively and challenging discussion followed about how we can use the theories and frameworks in practical ways to continually raise our group’s evolutionary consciousness. For me, the biggest challenge was how to not get caught in resistance to hierarchy, inherent to this evolutionary process theory. I wasn’t concerned, though, and left the meeting in high spirits to go along my entrepreneurial, hierarchy-free way.
That lasted exactly 20 minutes.
I checked my email and saw that I was in the midst of a messy conflict triggered by a communication from me to others in a community very important to me. I suddenly realized that most of my conflicts of the past 2 years were tied to my lack of hierarchy sense. Earlier, one of the Integral Group members piqued my interest when he talked to me about how some people excel in hierarchical spaces, and others (like me) don’t because they’ve not lived enough in that space to develop the requisite competencies. It all made perfect sense to me and I enthusiastically agreed with him totally unaware that I was simultaneously protecting my “hierarchy sucks” belief.
No way was this series of events last night a coincidence; it was a test.
So I want to share this learning. If you do something in integrity that results in conflict and you sense a repeating pattern, you may want to examine your beliefs about hierarchy as unnatural, judgmental or even threatening. If so, that’s the ego in you but also an opportunity to build your vigilance (“V”) discipline and to be more mindful of its practical application to inter-personal conflict and most importantly, to internal contradiction blocking the evolution of your own consciousness.
The instant you believe in the evolution of consciousness, you have to accept hierarchy at the level of the self, at the level of the soul, and that backs narcissism right into a corner. – Andrew Cohen
By mid-morning, my conflict resolved. There was no effort or push-back or sacrifice or guilt or doing much of anything at all. In fact, it was almost as it it never happened – but better.
Who Is Your Vantage Point?
December 28, 2009 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
The question probably sounds a bit odd to you, like it should be “what”, not “who”.
But the question phrased as is gets to the heart of living up to popular and famous mantras and quotes for change, including:
You must be the change you want to see in the world. – Gandhi
Typical and well-meaning things we do to this end include revising what we do and say in response to change, setting new visions and goals, breaking old habits, trying new things, moving to different places, making resolutions, ending or beginning relationships or businesses, changing appearances, working harder and faster, etc.
Those are all well and good but often lead to frustration and failure when we place all our bets on some combination of our will, skills and knowledge with timing, luck and conditions. Certain people, serial entrepreneurs for example, claim they’re energized by the highs and lows. Others may feel just the opposite, de-magnetized and dejected. But in both extremes, as well as those in-between, the frustration/failure cycle takes its toll in some form of suffering.
Its so ingrained in us, that this is the way it has to be, that over time we’ve become completely identified with the suffering cycle we choose, seeing ourselves in a dog-eat-dog competitive race to survive in a cold, hard, mean world. And the world, which we create moment to moment, has no choice but to give us exactly that experience. Over and over and over again.
I’m always looking for ways to work with people to help them shift out of this worldview concerning desired change in any of the 4 major experience platforms: health, love, supply and (life and business) direction.
Dustin DiPerna, who recently led an Integral Meetup that I attended, gave an excellent, although highly theoretical talk about vantage points of awareness. I’m now integrating a synthesized and more practical version of his theory with the self-awareness cornerstone of my professional services practice.
My purpose is to galvanize my change model to help clients shift their vantage point from:
I am the one who “can or can’t do” things to change the world.
to the vantage point:
I am the one who “is present and poised” in a world of change.
As we grow and develop we may pay lip services to “let it happen” while our actions prove that we still mistakenly believe we can “make it happen”. This tends to happen when the vantage point is “what” and not “who”. In other words its just another concept or strategy used in attempt to hurry things along so we can get what we want or get rid of what we don’t want. But the world is not fooled and we eventually get the message when our cleverness backfires on us that we’re going about change the wrong way.
You can practice this right away with a problem or challenge that’s got you feeling stuck. Try looking at it from both vantage points: from the one who resists things as they are and from the one who accepts things as they are. The second one is your point of power and natural influence.
Photo credit:
Elbert Kennard Gallery
Title: Vantage Point
Photographer: kennarde
Defining Moments
November 15, 2009 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
Something was triggered in me after reading about the trail of evidence on Major Hasan and the Fort Hood tragedy, and how its linked to a growing self-radicalization trend.
It reminded me of a workshop I attended in which Laura Whitworth opened with the importance of the defining moments of our lives. She shared that one of hers was that she ran away from home at age 17. Since I’d done the same I figured we’d have a shared bond but when I talked to her about it there was no spark of shared understanding between us all.
I realized that the big actions and events of our lives, good or bad, affect us but don’t define us. They’re responses to change that happen after we make inner shifts, the real defining moments that take place in a blink of an eye. They’re defining, because we create our reality, making choices to grow or protect and subsequently forming complex belief systems to reinforce those choices, from that shifted identity.
Unconsciousness about, or denial of our free will and responsibility for the defining shifts of our life experience, limit our creative power and reinforce a sense of powerlessness. Its not so difficult to understand the extremes, the distortions and the self-radicalization examples that lead to oppression, violence and tragedies.
The challenge is in sensing it, in ourselves and others, in our everyday personal and business interactions, particularly when we meet resistance to change head-on. If there’s even a slim glimmer of willingness to accept co-creative responsibility then there’s opportunity to examine individual and collective (culture) belief systems to determine if they’re aligned with what is wanted in a changed world.
Clearly, this won’t be accomplished with a stick. What’s not so clear is: what does the new carrot look like?
The Golden Tomb
November 11, 2009 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
“And you old men love building golden tombs and sealing the rest of us in with you.” — Don Draper
This was a great line from the recent Mad Men season finale. For me, the golden tomb is a metaphor for denial of, and resistance to, the creative power of belief.
That resistance shows up in ourselves as the voice of our ego whose job is to convince us that change is the enemy and that survival and protection is paramount. It shows up in others and in institutions where the job of the collective ego is to strengthen and enforce the status quo.
If we’re not vigilant, we can give ourselves over to runaway negative thoughts (the “old men”) about people, experiences and things that we don’t want or don’t like. The result, of course, is to identify with and bind ourselves to our fears and problems, to add to our stress and suffering and to seal ourselves in the tomb of our unconscious intention.
The way out, for individuals and organizations, is more of a paradox than an effort. The door to the golden tomb immediately flies open with the awareness that we close ourselves off to, in exactly the same way we open ourselves up to, our creative power, greater intelligence, friendly guidance and infinite probabilities for positive change, growth and development.
Embodiment – Its Directive
November 7, 2009 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
Embodiment: the “E” in DRIVE
One of the 5 elements of the RedShift DRIVE Self-Awareness and Change Leadership Model, and key to shifting identity in the emotional/neurobiological dimension, is Embodiment.
Huge change shifts can create the perfect storm of heightened unwanted feelings combined with an increasingly perceived need to refute emotions. But to put on a false front is to live in conflict with oneself, blocking the motion of being and diminishing creativity, natural influence and personal power. The result is unhappiness, frustration and resistance that spreads when what is denied and can no longer be contained, is projected onto others. In extreme cases, it escalates to a toxic environment, self-harm, abuse and violence.
Feelings freely expressed, on the other hand, are valuable pointers to what people believe, and how they perceive themselves, in relation to change in their personal, professional and organizational lives. Awareness of those beliefs means they can be examined and replaced if they’re not aligned with what’s desired or with a new direction. Its a mistake to create an environment in which change must take place in mind only. That’s because identity, as well as the moment-to-moment choice to protect or grow, is embodied at the cellular level. Awareness includes body awareness. Expression comes through the body as well as the brain. Organizations can unlock institutional culture (collective beliefs) as well as institutional knowledge.
Social tools, computing and networks support an environment in which lasting, multi-dimensional change can occur; in which creative power is unlocked through participation, inclusiveness, authenticity, and transparency and in which leaders will continually sense and re-align the levers of growth and protection.
Vigilance – Its a Practice
November 3, 2009 by Mary Wynne-Wynter · Comments Off
Vigilance: the “V” in DRIVE
One of the 5 elements of the RedShift DRIVE Self-Awareness and Change Leadership Model, and key to shifting identity, in the mindful/practical dimension is Vigilance.
A while back I talked with 2 women who worked, under incompetent managers in a toxic culture, for the same very large and continually reorganizing financial firm. Both hated their jobs, but although their perspectives on the day to day experience were similar, their feelings were different. One woman was seriously depressed, stressed, anxious and negative. The other was cheerful and easygoing. Those respective feelings reflected how each of them responded to her work situation based on what she believed about her work situation.
One identified with “My job is killing me.” and the other with “I can still find ways to be valuable and feel good about what I do in a rapidly deteriorating work environment.”
Mainstream advice is typically about taking action and changing the external. Get out of there and get another job. That may work out fine but in the example, the woman who believed that her job was killing her would likely find herself repeatedly at the mercy of intolerable workplace conditions because she’s not practiced in realizing that her beliefs shape the experiences that result in her misery, stress and suffering.
Cultivating vigilance chops isn’t difficult when there’s willingness to accept personal and cultural creative power and to have faith that what results is always right, even if its unexpected, not understood or maybe even unpleasant. Its not about putting on a cheerful face when what you’re really feeling is rage at the moron you work for and then responding by spending the rest of the day bad-mouthing the jerk. That’s the kind of response that leads to the dead end that completely inhibits individual, cultural and organizational growth and development.
You develop the vigilance habit through non-resistance to life (including work) experience, wanted and unwanted, moment to moment. When you’re open to it, you receive the incoming feedback you need about going the right way and avoiding dead ends. When you’re open to it your outgoing self-expression is naturally influential and non-toxic, even when it challenges the status quo.
How and when do you start? In any moment in which you want to feel less bad. Allow yourself to be still. Remind yourself that this moment is your point of power. Breathe in the incoming and breathe out the outgoing. Notice the inner shift. Smile, thank yourself and continue on your way.
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