Disturbance
July 21, 2008 by Mary Wynne-Wynter
Coaches often get asked if they cross the line into psychotherapy. My answer is no, except when it comes to the shadow, which can really trip up, or disturb, an otherwise very self-aware coaching client’s progress. A tip-off is an experience or interaction that the participant can’t let go of, that spins in the head and feels emotionally intractable. To the coach, or observer, the participant’s reaction seems way out of proportion to the event and has become an energy drain and distraction.
These disturbances show up in many forms: A brief confrontation with an angry driver upsets you and you’re still fuming and thinking about revenge a week later. A co-worker or manager throws a hissy fit and now your work life feels like a living hell. A family member pushes your buttons and it eats at you night and day. A team member shoots down your idea and now you want out of the project and permanently away from this idiot. Everything about the person you sit next to in the conference rubs you the wrong way and you can’t think of anything else.
Countless story lines and forms, always projection.
A psychotherapeutic approach may be to examine, trace back and re-experience the parts of the self that have been repressed and projected “out there” because they bring up shameful and anxious feelings or traumatic memories. A coaching or facilitative approach is more of a turnaround, or holding up a mirror, in the present, and within the context of a specific annoyance that’s got you hooked. I find 3-2-1 journaling an effective tool and I usually do the exercise along with my client. Its quick and works best with minimal thinking and effort.
The first step is to describe the experience in the third person: this is what happened, he said, she did, I got p.o.’d etc.
The second step is to second person dialog with him, or her - being open, listening, learning and getting his or her perspective.
The third step is to first person exchange so that you imagine you “are” him or her - saying this, doing that, ticking off others and the reasons why. You might realize: “I’m” the trouble-maker, or the control-freak or the cold fish.
Reading these back to each other feels surprisingly refreshing and light-hearted. There’s often a great sense of relief that comes with integrating important aspects of yourself that were lost to you for a long time. You’ll find that making friends with them results in a lot less suffering and misery from getting fixated, and a great deal more energy, time and attention for where you’re going and what you want.
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